Bloom.

I remember this book I read years ago. A series, actually.

You were introduced to the villain first, and then later to the protagonist.

Things seemed to go along the path you’d expect for him, except he constantly ran up against all sorts of obstacles.

Everything just kept going sideways.

I remember thinking, “Okay this is it. From here on it will be the resolution, because nothing can be worse than that.”

Do you already see where this is going?

Yea, things kept getting worse.

Now, I adore books, and I typically treat them kindly…but this book…

this damn book…

I threw it clear across the room.

I was so mad.

Tears, rage, disbelief; the whole gamut of emotions. I just couldn’t believe the author would put the characters through so many awful things.

They weren’t getting a break.

I was so distraught, and drained by the entire story that by the time I was done I didn’t even care how it ended. I just wanted it to be over.

That entire experience seems to be a microcosm of the collective consciousness so far this year.

At least it feels that way.

This time though, I do care how it ends.

Very, very much.

That makes it so much more frightening, and so much more frustrating (to say the least).

I keep wondering what part of the book we’re in now.

I hope when it’s over we can gather together with our loved ones, and look back on things as better people.

That’s my hope.

Especially the part about being together.

It’s a small thing really, like a flower blooming in the crack of an old sidewalk.

I struggle not to get pulled into pessimistic doom and gloom, but sometimes a small ray of hope is all we need to keep going.

So, whatever it is you’re feeling and experiencing these days, I’m sending you gentle sunshine, a warm ocean breeze, a bright flower blooming strong where it doesn’t seem to belong…whatever it is that may soothe your soul for even the briefest second.

It’s not much, but I’m sending it to you anyway.

We’ll finish this story together, so that the next one we pick up will hopefully be a much kinder one.

🌸☀️🌊

Altered Shorelines.

I’ve been absent from my blog for a little while. Absent from a lot of things.

If you recall a metaphor from one of my first few posts about the waves, I recently experienced one of those violent waves that changes the landscape of the shore.

Perhaps not in the way I meant it back then though.

It’s been difficult relearning the new shoreline, so I’ve been taking time to examine it, and walk along it.

There are jagged parts that are difficult to walk along now.

My friends have been helping me cross those. Holding my hands while I cry at the pain of it, and then standing with me as I look at the small ruined section of beach, and miss the old one.

At first it felt like the entire landscape had changed.

Now though I see it’s just a portion. It’s ugly, and painful, but it’s a part of my shoreline now, and maybe someday the waves will make it a little less jagged.

Either way I’m here, I’m walking past it, I’m moving forward with the people who made it across with me, and life will go on.

It has been a painful, and deeply personal process. One that I’m still going through. I’ve found my voice again I think, so that’s nice. It’s a little scratchy, and worn. A bit unfamiliar, like that section of the shore now is, but it’s mine.

I’m still standing.

My perspective may be slightly altered, my feet scarred, but I am still here and I am still me.

Nothing will change that truth.

🌊

My Tribe.

I’m very fortunate to have friends who remind me it’s okay to lean on other people.

They reminded me this week that it takes a tribe. To not let my pride, and my stubbornness get in the way. To ask for it when I need help.

Sometimes I need those reminders.

Sometimes we all do.

People need each other. We need people around us who we trust, and who we can rely on.

I almost feel like I was drowning in that ocean the other week only to finally hear a shouted “Hey dumbass! Look behind you!”

Dumbass being used affectionately here, of course. 😂

I feel like I turned around to see an ocean littered with buoys, and rafts, and life boats. Friends reaching out their hands, offering a drink and an ear, some giving me a look that clearly said “I’ve been telling you we were here.”

So thanks.

To my friends and family who are always there to lend an ear, to watch the kids when I can’t find a sitter, to hang out and talk and have fun, and those who remind me that it’s okay to ask for help.

❤️

Pinwheels.

Yesterday I made pinwheels with my kids.

I swear this isn’t about to turn into a crafting tutorial or anything. Just bear with me here.

As this was our first time making them there was some trial and error involved.

A lot of “Don’t touch those yet, please.” “Hold on, let me check the instructions.” “Omg! Why are you cutting that!? Wait, wait, wait!!!” moments.

Crafting with kids is honestly just a mess. 😂

The first pinwheel we made was entirely too large. We practically had to empty our lungs just to get it to sort of spin, and no matter where we held the stick we could barely avoid blocking the blades.

It worked, but it was too large. Too hard to manage, and generally inefficient.

So we went back to the drawing board, and made the next one smaller.

This one worked much better. It was easier to avoid blocking the blades, and we didn’t have to use as much air to spin it.

It still wasn’t the most efficient thing, but it was much better.

It was certainly good enough to make the kids happy, and by then my patience was completely fried, so that’s where we stopped.

I was thinking about it today though.

I think we do things like that to ourselves a lot.

Make our pinwheels too big, I mean.

Take on too much. Overload ourselves to the point that we get in our own way.

We stop our momentum, because we’ve made things too heavy. We’ve put too much pressure on ourselves.

I do it to myself all the time. When I do it’s very hard not to get discouraged.

I’ve already done it to myself a few times with this new blog.

I want to keep improving though. Keep going.

I want to pause long enough to take note of the parts of my pinwheel that work, and the parts that could be improved on.

I need to remember that it’s okay to take a break when my patience is at its limit.

Recharging is just as important.

As long as I come back. Keep coming back.

Are there aspects of your life that you can relate this to as well? There are so many directions we could take this metaphor. I’d love to hear others.

As for me, I’m challenging myself.

Challenging myself to keep coming back. To keep improving.

Until that pinwheel works so well I barely have to breathe on it for it to spin.

🌬💖

Oh! If you do happen to want a simple pinwheel tutorial, I quite liked this one in spite of my own poor execution. 😂

Pinwheel Tutorial

✌🏽💕

Starting fresh.

This morning I cleaned the windshield of my car.

Yes, Grace, great way to start a blog. Talk about the mundane task of cleaning your windows.

Truly though, I’ve been driving around with this foggy, dirty windshield for months now. Every day I’ve thought “I really ought to clean that”, but I didn’t. I could list off a thousand reasons why I’ve been too busy, but realistically it just wasn’t high on my priority list. I figured, I can still see out of it, so why bother?

Well, today I bothered.

It’s amazing how clearly I can see through it now. My view is crisp, and bright. The colors even seemed to be more saturated.

Honestly, the window was really gross before. 😬😂

I can’t believe I went so long driving with it dirty now that it’s actually clean again.

It made me realize that this mental fog that I’ve been in lately is similar. I just haven’t had the time to sit down and really examine what I want to do. How I want to do it. Any of it.

I haven’t made the time.

So here I am. Starting this blog. I’m hoping it’ll be something like the metaphorical equivalent of cleaning my windshield. Maybe, if I take the time for some self examination, some self expression, some exploration… maybe I’ll be able to see more clearly the path ahead of me.

I’m ready to clean my windshield.

Feel free to come along for the ride! I’ll be sharing my thoughts, recounting my adventures, and figuring out this life after 30.

💕