Bloom.

I remember this book I read years ago. A series, actually.

You were introduced to the villain first, and then later to the protagonist.

Things seemed to go along the path you’d expect for him, except he constantly ran up against all sorts of obstacles.

Everything just kept going sideways.

I remember thinking, “Okay this is it. From here on it will be the resolution, because nothing can be worse than that.”

Do you already see where this is going?

Yea, things kept getting worse.

Now, I adore books, and I typically treat them kindly…but this book…

this damn book…

I threw it clear across the room.

I was so mad.

Tears, rage, disbelief; the whole gamut of emotions. I just couldn’t believe the author would put the characters through so many awful things.

They weren’t getting a break.

I was so distraught, and drained by the entire story that by the time I was done I didn’t even care how it ended. I just wanted it to be over.

That entire experience seems to be a microcosm of the collective consciousness so far this year.

At least it feels that way.

This time though, I do care how it ends.

Very, very much.

That makes it so much more frightening, and so much more frustrating (to say the least).

I keep wondering what part of the book we’re in now.

I hope when it’s over we can gather together with our loved ones, and look back on things as better people.

That’s my hope.

Especially the part about being together.

It’s a small thing really, like a flower blooming in the crack of an old sidewalk.

I struggle not to get pulled into pessimistic doom and gloom, but sometimes a small ray of hope is all we need to keep going.

So, whatever it is you’re feeling and experiencing these days, I’m sending you gentle sunshine, a warm ocean breeze, a bright flower blooming strong where it doesn’t seem to belong…whatever it is that may soothe your soul for even the briefest second.

It’s not much, but I’m sending it to you anyway.

We’ll finish this story together, so that the next one we pick up will hopefully be a much kinder one.

🌸☀️🌊

Void.

Ever feel like something is missing inside of you? Like a gaping hole that should be filled.

A void.

Just empty in a place that shouldn’t be empty.

What is that?

It’s not a lack of love in my life. I have so much love, and so much to be grateful for.

What is that empty spot caused by? How do I fill it?

Or are we all just wandering around this life wondering why we feel empty when we should feel whole, and not realizing we all actually feel a little bit empty sometimes.

Is it a lack of purpose? Is life just a fruitless searching for fulfillment until we die?

I don’t know.

I just know that today I’m sad.

Cold Coffee.

I have a habit of filling up all of my free time with friends, conversations, or various things to do. A big part of it is because I adore spending time with people I love. I think the other reason though, is then I don’t have to sit in my own head for very long.

When I have some time to myself all I do is self-reflect myself in circles.

I worry constantly. About everything, and everyone.

I’m trying to learn not to. To simply enjoy a little time to myself this morning with my coffee.

So far I’ve already thought of 10 different things I should get done before the work week starts up again. People I should message to ask this, or that. Housework I need to do.

Do I have any groceries I need to buy?

Don’t forget to call the dentist in the morning tomorrow!

I’d love to just be able to sit without my mind constantly shouting things at me.

It’s not that I don’t like being in my own head.

It’s just that it never shuts up.

If you have ever been having a conversation with me and then notice I look mildly confused, that’s just me pulling myself back to reality after getting stuck in my head, yet again. I was probably far away in there, so it takes a minute to come back to myself, process what you just said, and then formulate an appropriate response.

I find it a fascinating trait when I can sit and explore it.

It’s also an incredibly annoying one when I’m trying very hard to be present in the moment.

I suppose this blog, whatever else it is, is a way for me to express pieces of where I go when I disappear.

A way to bring myself back, and relate to others who do the same sorts of things.

Or maybe even just help someone understand that their absent minded friend may be thinking of a thousand and one things while processing your conversation, and simultaneously berating herself for not being able to fully focus on your words.

I’m sorry. Could you repeat that?

Anyways, now my coffee is cold so I’m going to stop writing this, go pop it in the microwave, and promptly forget it’s there… 😂

Stay present in the moment if you can, but whatever you do, stay you.

😊💕

The Lagoon

If emotions are water, I’m currently sitting in a deep pool that I am hesitant to name. As if the naming of it will disturb the calm surface and send me spiraling back down, and out to sea again.

I feel like I’ve found some hidden lagoon. Calm water, protected from the elements by an array of rocks, and trees.

I’m almost afraid to move because it’s so peaceful, and pretty here.

I believe what I’m feeling is happy. Happy, fulfilled, and appreciated in multiple aspects of my life right now.

Myself. Wholly, and unapologetically myself.

(Well, mostly unapologetically. Still working on the whole saying “sorry” too much thing…😅)

The waves of anxiety and depression can likely still reach me here. That’s simply the nature of such things. For now though, for this moment in time, I feel safe from it all.

For once not adrift at sea, treading water just to keep my head afloat.

I wonder if everyone experiences this feeling at some point in their lives. If so, do they worry too, or are they able to just enjoy it as it comes?

It’s strange, and even writing this makes me fear I’ll disturb the waters too much. I’m trying hard to just believe in this right now. To believe that things can really feel this good.

Please let me stay here awhile longer.

It’s just lovely.

💙💖💜

Evolving.

I’ve been learning a lot recently.

Growing within myself. Taking stock of the things in my life that are good, and those that aren’t.

I’ve been finding that the more I let go of things that aren’t healthy for me and embrace the things that are, the more the good things seem to multiply.

I’m sure that’s not always the case. Life happens, whether we want it to or not.

It does seem to be true though, that once we fully let go of things that are holding us back, our forward momentum picks up speed again. Once we focus on the things we are grateful for, more and more things seem to appear to be grateful for.

I’m learning to be myself. The truest version of myself that I can be.

It’s hard sometimes to put aside the expectations and limitations of others to do that, but I’m finding that the people in my life who matter most are the ones who accept me exactly as I am. I don’t have to try to fit into some predetermined box.

It’s very freeing.

I have a lot of things I need to work on still. (Near crippling anxiety? I’m talking to you!) There’s always more though. More to learn, more opportunities to grow, more things to experience.

If we stop learning and changing than what’s the point?

To live is to evolve. So let’s keep on growing, right? I know I will.

💕

Altered Shorelines.

I’ve been absent from my blog for a little while. Absent from a lot of things.

If you recall a metaphor from one of my first few posts about the waves, I recently experienced one of those violent waves that changes the landscape of the shore.

Perhaps not in the way I meant it back then though.

It’s been difficult relearning the new shoreline, so I’ve been taking time to examine it, and walk along it.

There are jagged parts that are difficult to walk along now.

My friends have been helping me cross those. Holding my hands while I cry at the pain of it, and then standing with me as I look at the small ruined section of beach, and miss the old one.

At first it felt like the entire landscape had changed.

Now though I see it’s just a portion. It’s ugly, and painful, but it’s a part of my shoreline now, and maybe someday the waves will make it a little less jagged.

Either way I’m here, I’m walking past it, I’m moving forward with the people who made it across with me, and life will go on.

It has been a painful, and deeply personal process. One that I’m still going through. I’ve found my voice again I think, so that’s nice. It’s a little scratchy, and worn. A bit unfamiliar, like that section of the shore now is, but it’s mine.

I’m still standing.

My perspective may be slightly altered, my feet scarred, but I am still here and I am still me.

Nothing will change that truth.

🌊

Opening Night

Hell week has come to a close, and my heart is so full.

While hell week can be excessively exhausting and stressful, it’s also when I fall most in love with the rest of the cast, and crew.

The sore muscles, the scrapes and the bruises, the tears, the sweat…all of the energy that has been poured in to create this beautiful thing.

Every single person involved puts forth so much effort to bring a show to life.

This show. Our show.

My heart is overflowing. I adore each and every one of you, and this amazing show.

Please excuse me if I’m being excessively cheesy in this blog post. Just consider it my opening night love letter to all my fellow “show people”. 🥰

We really do live in a world all our own.

Thank you for making it such a beautiful one.

Break a leg!!!

💃🏽😘❤️

This Week.

Just get through this week. Just get through this week. Just get through this week.

That is the mantra I keep repeating in my head today.

It is my last week of work, hell week of the show, the last week the kids will be in daycare until school starts up again…

Just get through this week.

I should be at work today. Instead I woke up at 5 am to two kids throwing up. This has been happening almost every other week since May.

Stomach bugs, constipation, digestive issues, trips to the doctors, stomach x-rays…

That’s also why this is my last week of work. It was essentially a choice of quitting, or being fired for poor attendance.

I’m so tired.

My stress levels have been through the roof for such an extensive amount of time now that I am completely drained.

Just get through this week.

It’s also hell week. The week before opening night of a show.

Long hours, hard work, and putting together all the pieces that go into the show. Everyone working together to make sure each cog is in place, and the gears are spinning as they’re supposed to. More dancing, more singing, more set moving, and a lot less sleep.

I adore performing. This is what I do for fun, and I will never stop loving it. Hell week is just always stressful.

Add it to the stress, and worry of everything else…

I am moving like a zombie. My eyes look dead. If I didn’t have two children who needed me to be up and about, I’d still be in bed, in the dark, alternating between sleeping and crying.

Just get through this week.

Next week will be better. Next week I’ll be able to breathe again. Sleep again.

Work will be done. Daycare will be done for now. The show will have opened, and we all will have survived opening weekend, and have some time to breathe before next weekend’s shows.

Just get through this week, Grace.

That’s what I will keep telling myself so that my feet keep carrying me forward.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way at times. Sometimes all we can do is keep going. Pause and take a breath (a nap, if there’s time), and keep trudging along.

Just get through this week. This day. This hour. This minute.

A new one will start, and maybe that one will be better.

Until then, I’m sending hugs to anyone who needs one, because I could use a few myself right now.

💕

For those of you who know and love the kids, they are already feeling better. We just have had some seemingly endless stomach issues ever since we got a bad stomach bug back in May. The doctor has given us some tips for remedying things, and we will be okay. ❤️

Restless Energy.

Sometimes it feels as though I have so much energy trying to burst free, and I have no idea where to put it.

A restless feeling.

I write.

I take artistic photos.

I paint.

I sing, and dance.

It just keeps bubbling up and over, and I need to do something with it.

It doesn’t happen all the time.

Sometimes I completely lack motivation, and energy.

Sometimes I’m so drained I have absolutely no creative ideas, or drive.

Right now though, I’m restless.

I want to learn new things, travel to new places, do creative things.

I want sunshine, and laughter, and drinks, and friends.

Summer.

I never know how long the feeling will linger when it comes, or what exactly will tame it until I do so.

What do you do when you feel restless? Impulsive?

Do you plan a new adventure?

Get yourself into trouble?

Channel that energy into doing something productive?

Or do you stand there indecisive until the moment passes, and the energy dies down?

I’ve done all of the above the past few years.

Guess we’ll see how it goes this time.

So far I’ve just been very artistic in a variety of mediums.

✏️📖💖📸🖌

My Tribe.

I’m very fortunate to have friends who remind me it’s okay to lean on other people.

They reminded me this week that it takes a tribe. To not let my pride, and my stubbornness get in the way. To ask for it when I need help.

Sometimes I need those reminders.

Sometimes we all do.

People need each other. We need people around us who we trust, and who we can rely on.

I almost feel like I was drowning in that ocean the other week only to finally hear a shouted “Hey dumbass! Look behind you!”

Dumbass being used affectionately here, of course. 😂

I feel like I turned around to see an ocean littered with buoys, and rafts, and life boats. Friends reaching out their hands, offering a drink and an ear, some giving me a look that clearly said “I’ve been telling you we were here.”

So thanks.

To my friends and family who are always there to lend an ear, to watch the kids when I can’t find a sitter, to hang out and talk and have fun, and those who remind me that it’s okay to ask for help.

❤️