Cold Coffee.

I have a habit of filling up all of my free time with friends, conversations, or various things to do. A big part of it is because I adore spending time with people I love. I think the other reason though, is then I don’t have to sit in my own head for very long.

When I have some time to myself all I do is self-reflect myself in circles.

I worry constantly. About everything, and everyone.

I’m trying to learn not to. To simply enjoy a little time to myself this morning with my coffee.

So far I’ve already thought of 10 different things I should get done before the work week starts up again. People I should message to ask this, or that. Housework I need to do.

Do I have any groceries I need to buy?

Don’t forget to call the dentist in the morning tomorrow!

I’d love to just be able to sit without my mind constantly shouting things at me.

It’s not that I don’t like being in my own head.

It’s just that it never shuts up.

If you have ever been having a conversation with me and then notice I look mildly confused, that’s just me pulling myself back to reality after getting stuck in my head, yet again. I was probably far away in there, so it takes a minute to come back to myself, process what you just said, and then formulate an appropriate response.

I find it a fascinating trait when I can sit and explore it.

It’s also an incredibly annoying one when I’m trying very hard to be present in the moment.

I suppose this blog, whatever else it is, is a way for me to express pieces of where I go when I disappear.

A way to bring myself back, and relate to others who do the same sorts of things.

Or maybe even just help someone understand that their absent minded friend may be thinking of a thousand and one things while processing your conversation, and simultaneously berating herself for not being able to fully focus on your words.

I’m sorry. Could you repeat that?

Anyways, now my coffee is cold so I’m going to stop writing this, go pop it in the microwave, and promptly forget it’s there… 😂

Stay present in the moment if you can, but whatever you do, stay you.

😊💕

Altered Shorelines.

I’ve been absent from my blog for a little while. Absent from a lot of things.

If you recall a metaphor from one of my first few posts about the waves, I recently experienced one of those violent waves that changes the landscape of the shore.

Perhaps not in the way I meant it back then though.

It’s been difficult relearning the new shoreline, so I’ve been taking time to examine it, and walk along it.

There are jagged parts that are difficult to walk along now.

My friends have been helping me cross those. Holding my hands while I cry at the pain of it, and then standing with me as I look at the small ruined section of beach, and miss the old one.

At first it felt like the entire landscape had changed.

Now though I see it’s just a portion. It’s ugly, and painful, but it’s a part of my shoreline now, and maybe someday the waves will make it a little less jagged.

Either way I’m here, I’m walking past it, I’m moving forward with the people who made it across with me, and life will go on.

It has been a painful, and deeply personal process. One that I’m still going through. I’ve found my voice again I think, so that’s nice. It’s a little scratchy, and worn. A bit unfamiliar, like that section of the shore now is, but it’s mine.

I’m still standing.

My perspective may be slightly altered, my feet scarred, but I am still here and I am still me.

Nothing will change that truth.

🌊

This Week.

Just get through this week. Just get through this week. Just get through this week.

That is the mantra I keep repeating in my head today.

It is my last week of work, hell week of the show, the last week the kids will be in daycare until school starts up again…

Just get through this week.

I should be at work today. Instead I woke up at 5 am to two kids throwing up. This has been happening almost every other week since May.

Stomach bugs, constipation, digestive issues, trips to the doctors, stomach x-rays…

That’s also why this is my last week of work. It was essentially a choice of quitting, or being fired for poor attendance.

I’m so tired.

My stress levels have been through the roof for such an extensive amount of time now that I am completely drained.

Just get through this week.

It’s also hell week. The week before opening night of a show.

Long hours, hard work, and putting together all the pieces that go into the show. Everyone working together to make sure each cog is in place, and the gears are spinning as they’re supposed to. More dancing, more singing, more set moving, and a lot less sleep.

I adore performing. This is what I do for fun, and I will never stop loving it. Hell week is just always stressful.

Add it to the stress, and worry of everything else…

I am moving like a zombie. My eyes look dead. If I didn’t have two children who needed me to be up and about, I’d still be in bed, in the dark, alternating between sleeping and crying.

Just get through this week.

Next week will be better. Next week I’ll be able to breathe again. Sleep again.

Work will be done. Daycare will be done for now. The show will have opened, and we all will have survived opening weekend, and have some time to breathe before next weekend’s shows.

Just get through this week, Grace.

That’s what I will keep telling myself so that my feet keep carrying me forward.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way at times. Sometimes all we can do is keep going. Pause and take a breath (a nap, if there’s time), and keep trudging along.

Just get through this week. This day. This hour. This minute.

A new one will start, and maybe that one will be better.

Until then, I’m sending hugs to anyone who needs one, because I could use a few myself right now.

💕

For those of you who know and love the kids, they are already feeling better. We just have had some seemingly endless stomach issues ever since we got a bad stomach bug back in May. The doctor has given us some tips for remedying things, and we will be okay. ❤️

Restless Energy.

Sometimes it feels as though I have so much energy trying to burst free, and I have no idea where to put it.

A restless feeling.

I write.

I take artistic photos.

I paint.

I sing, and dance.

It just keeps bubbling up and over, and I need to do something with it.

It doesn’t happen all the time.

Sometimes I completely lack motivation, and energy.

Sometimes I’m so drained I have absolutely no creative ideas, or drive.

Right now though, I’m restless.

I want to learn new things, travel to new places, do creative things.

I want sunshine, and laughter, and drinks, and friends.

Summer.

I never know how long the feeling will linger when it comes, or what exactly will tame it until I do so.

What do you do when you feel restless? Impulsive?

Do you plan a new adventure?

Get yourself into trouble?

Channel that energy into doing something productive?

Or do you stand there indecisive until the moment passes, and the energy dies down?

I’ve done all of the above the past few years.

Guess we’ll see how it goes this time.

So far I’ve just been very artistic in a variety of mediums.

✏️📖💖📸🖌

My Tribe.

I’m very fortunate to have friends who remind me it’s okay to lean on other people.

They reminded me this week that it takes a tribe. To not let my pride, and my stubbornness get in the way. To ask for it when I need help.

Sometimes I need those reminders.

Sometimes we all do.

People need each other. We need people around us who we trust, and who we can rely on.

I almost feel like I was drowning in that ocean the other week only to finally hear a shouted “Hey dumbass! Look behind you!”

Dumbass being used affectionately here, of course. 😂

I feel like I turned around to see an ocean littered with buoys, and rafts, and life boats. Friends reaching out their hands, offering a drink and an ear, some giving me a look that clearly said “I’ve been telling you we were here.”

So thanks.

To my friends and family who are always there to lend an ear, to watch the kids when I can’t find a sitter, to hang out and talk and have fun, and those who remind me that it’s okay to ask for help.

❤️

Pinwheels.

Yesterday I made pinwheels with my kids.

I swear this isn’t about to turn into a crafting tutorial or anything. Just bear with me here.

As this was our first time making them there was some trial and error involved.

A lot of “Don’t touch those yet, please.” “Hold on, let me check the instructions.” “Omg! Why are you cutting that!? Wait, wait, wait!!!” moments.

Crafting with kids is honestly just a mess. 😂

The first pinwheel we made was entirely too large. We practically had to empty our lungs just to get it to sort of spin, and no matter where we held the stick we could barely avoid blocking the blades.

It worked, but it was too large. Too hard to manage, and generally inefficient.

So we went back to the drawing board, and made the next one smaller.

This one worked much better. It was easier to avoid blocking the blades, and we didn’t have to use as much air to spin it.

It still wasn’t the most efficient thing, but it was much better.

It was certainly good enough to make the kids happy, and by then my patience was completely fried, so that’s where we stopped.

I was thinking about it today though.

I think we do things like that to ourselves a lot.

Make our pinwheels too big, I mean.

Take on too much. Overload ourselves to the point that we get in our own way.

We stop our momentum, because we’ve made things too heavy. We’ve put too much pressure on ourselves.

I do it to myself all the time. When I do it’s very hard not to get discouraged.

I’ve already done it to myself a few times with this new blog.

I want to keep improving though. Keep going.

I want to pause long enough to take note of the parts of my pinwheel that work, and the parts that could be improved on.

I need to remember that it’s okay to take a break when my patience is at its limit.

Recharging is just as important.

As long as I come back. Keep coming back.

Are there aspects of your life that you can relate this to as well? There are so many directions we could take this metaphor. I’d love to hear others.

As for me, I’m challenging myself.

Challenging myself to keep coming back. To keep improving.

Until that pinwheel works so well I barely have to breathe on it for it to spin.

🌬💖

Oh! If you do happen to want a simple pinwheel tutorial, I quite liked this one in spite of my own poor execution. 😂

Pinwheel Tutorial

✌🏽💕

Starting fresh.

This morning I cleaned the windshield of my car.

Yes, Grace, great way to start a blog. Talk about the mundane task of cleaning your windows.

Truly though, I’ve been driving around with this foggy, dirty windshield for months now. Every day I’ve thought “I really ought to clean that”, but I didn’t. I could list off a thousand reasons why I’ve been too busy, but realistically it just wasn’t high on my priority list. I figured, I can still see out of it, so why bother?

Well, today I bothered.

It’s amazing how clearly I can see through it now. My view is crisp, and bright. The colors even seemed to be more saturated.

Honestly, the window was really gross before. 😬😂

I can’t believe I went so long driving with it dirty now that it’s actually clean again.

It made me realize that this mental fog that I’ve been in lately is similar. I just haven’t had the time to sit down and really examine what I want to do. How I want to do it. Any of it.

I haven’t made the time.

So here I am. Starting this blog. I’m hoping it’ll be something like the metaphorical equivalent of cleaning my windshield. Maybe, if I take the time for some self examination, some self expression, some exploration… maybe I’ll be able to see more clearly the path ahead of me.

I’m ready to clean my windshield.

Feel free to come along for the ride! I’ll be sharing my thoughts, recounting my adventures, and figuring out this life after 30.

💕